There has been a bit of talk about open relationships in the news over the last few days, thanks to a Republican politician named Newt Gingrich. He’s hoping to get a chance to go for the trickiest job in the world and so should have been prepared for the media to pick through his private life*. It appears that he was having an affair and wanted to continue without the stress of lying, so suggested to his wife that they switch to an open marriage. FYI, this is not the correct approach. Suggesting to a partner that you open up your relationship only works when you’re honest and genuinely care about the other person’s feelings and not just your own.
Long discussions about how you both feel about each other – and other people – are good. Working out what to do together is good. Being as open and honest as you can is good. However, what Captain Subtext would have been saying as Gingrich asked about an open marriage was, “I’ve been lying to you and going behind your back to do things with this person who I now want you to be 100% happy to have in our lives. I am quite selfish.” As Beth Anderson has helped me illustrate with the image you see above, this is incorrect.
Fearlessknits wrote about polyamory in The Guardian as a response to Gingrich’s guilty little secret being revealed. It’s an interesting piece but, as usual, some of the comments leave a lot to be desired. If I had five pounds for every time someone commented “having your cake and eating it” when the subject of consensual non-monogamy is mentioned, I’d have enough to buy a big banner that says YOU SAY THAT LIKE IT’S A BAD THING. Yes, it’s like having more of something good, but it’s also about people and their emotions. Please don’t attempt to label us all as indecisive children who want All The Toys with your shameful use of cliché. We want all these people because we love and/or desire them, not just because we don’t want you to have them. We’re not selfish sex addicts, we are loving caring people who simply don’t believe that monogamy works for us.
Polyamory to me is about companionship and friendship, as well as relationships. It’s about love on many different levels – for example, the love I feel for a metamour is different to that which I feel for a partner but it’s still love. Not every relationship has to be full-on but, just because we have other people in our lives, it doesn’t mean that we simply want a light-hearted bit on the side. Giving and receiving emotional support is important, and we often have a wider circle of friends who understand our needs and are there for us. I’m not saying that monogamous people don’t have this too – many do – but I just wanted to point out that polyamory isn’t just about sex, or a bit of lighthearted fun. It sometimes encompasses that too, but don’t be surprised if someone who’s poly is a teeny bit offended when you suggest that’s all their life is about.
Whether or not I choose to refer to myself as polyamorous, I shall always choose an ethical brand of non-monogamy. Even if you think that I’m simply trying to “have my cake and eat it”, at least I know that there’s more to it like that. I’m doing the right thing for me, and any partners I have will know that I’m being honest with them. The details may be complicated, but we just couldn’t live our lives any other way.
*Although it still baffles me why anyone really cares about any detail other than whether or not a politician lied and covered it up, as that’s really the only thing that’s relevant to their work.